Sempre Viva: The Vampires of Soho House
The Soho House aura is a concoction so strong it could be mistaken for something illegal.
Two. Little. Words. Not exciting words... on their own. But joined together, they are suddenly bathed in intrigue, wrapped in velvet, and dipped in a pool of pure liquid sexiness. See how they roll on the tongue, curvaceous and tantalising.
And so begins the magical transformation of everyday people to momentarily glamorous socialites.
Any mention of meeting there is followed by a dramatic pause, pregnant with anticipation. Then comes the revelation, "I have a membership at Soho Houseeee," uttered with the subtlest lisp and hair flick. Maybe a coy giggle.
And so begins the magical transformation of everyday people to momentarily glamorous socialites. Entering Soho House for the first time feels like stepping into an exclusive sorority or a secret coven. It's as if there's a special handshake known only to the chosen few. You are made to repeatedly feel that gaining entry is the greatest possible privilege, and not having a Soho House membership is practically a crime against living it up large. But have you ever considered that possessing a Soho House membership might just mean you're part of the unliving? After all, you’d trade your pulse for a membership card, right? (Oh, wait, my sources tell me it’s an app now.)
Talking about pulses. Ever wondered if the front desk crew at Soho House are not just mere mortals but a clan of vampinos-in-training? Their grey, vacant stares. The lip sync skills that might just be a silent incantation in their undead league. The hideous unfriendliness of the crew at Shoreditch House that smacks of centuries-old snobbery, regardless of their achingly cool streetwear get-up. Be cautious, your guests (limited to a generous three) could unwittingly be the next victims—or should I say, neophytes? I jest. OR DO I? Vampires.
Once you’re past the crop-topped gate-keepers you’ll find yourself entering a safari of high-end interior design (just don’t look too close ‘cause it’s pretty stained), and ABC1 people on the prowl.
Once you’re past the crop-topped gate-keepers you’ll find yourself entering a safari of high-end interior design (just don’t look too close ‘cause it’s pretty stained), and ABC1 people on the prowl. They become a wild pack, noses twitching, eyes peeled for the ultimate prize—the elusive table with chairs.
These membership fees, paid in the hundreds, activate razor-sharp senses, allowing the initiated to shuffle through the Soho House floors in pursuit of the holy grail: The Illustrious Seat. This is because… there is literally nowhere to sit. Securing your throne for the day is a quest as challenging as winning the lottery! If you find one, but lock eyes with someone else approaching from the other side of the room, blood will be drawn. Vampires.
Ah, the ever-so-attentive staff at Soho House, armed with senses sharper than a ninja's shuriken! They will loftily ignore your desperate pleas for refreshment until you are reduced to tearful begging. Please, you whine, I just want a plate of crudities! But the membership money does not pay for good service. And it’s just within the realms of possibility that it actively goes towards providing bad service. But the ultimate sin? Using your phone! They will descend upon you with the swiftest motions you never existed. Prepare to vanish like a phantom. Vampires.
Please, you whine, I just want a plate of crudities!
Ah yes, glory be to Soho House and all its teaming, energy-withering court. A place where "Sempre Viva" rings true—always alive. Just in the most deadening way possible. The Soho Houses will continue to spring up across the globe, inviting night creatures and clout seekers. But to all hopefuls looking to be wrapped in this uncomfortable embrace I have but one word of advice… making a call should never be this perilous!
For more information on membership, please visit Soho House’s website.