It goes without saying that gay men love their hags as much as Happy Hour at Balans or Sex And The City re-runs, but there are times, believe or not, when we wish we had a batty boy Bible to bitch-slap you with.
Don’t be a cock-block, babe
Listen, everybody knows that the one thing that trumps friendship, is dick. Sure, we give it all the “hoes over bros” and “sisters over misters” BS, but when all is said and blown, an orgasm is the one thing you can’t give him – so when the opportunity *arises* – let him get on with it. There’s nothing worse than a hag who blocks the doorway to the dark room… live and let kneel, sister!
Don’t fall in love with him
This one sounds like a cliché, but you’d be surprised how many girls are secretly waiting for the day he gets drunk enough to dip his toe (or something else) into the punani pool, and then whisk you off your feet. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. Your pum-pum ain’t magic; no matter how many tricks you got up that skirt. The same way you don’t get half-way through your hot dog and then suddenly decide you fancy fish fingers instead. Don’t waste your time anyway babe, he’s totally screwed up with commitment issues and unhealthy celebrity obsessions.
Make peace with other hags
Like gay boys are our brothers, fellow hags should be your unconventional sisters; united in your dysfunctional relationships with the wrong men and the company of boys more feminine than yourselves. We ain’t dicking any of y’all anyway, so why the rivalry? Leave that to the thirsty girls of Essex. Besides, you’re gonna need some friends when all the queers move to a tragic seaside town to run a cabaret bar.
Always dress appropriately
No hag looks less informed than the ones who missed the memo about stilettos at all-night raves. Of course, the queens worship a girl that knows her fashion, but they’d rather cut off their ears with a rusty nail file than listen to you whinge about the bunions on your feet. The last thing he wants to hear is a girl complain about wearing heels, especially when he can walk in them better than you. Oh, and while we’re on the topic, dressing for your school prom when you’re squashed into some Shoreditch basement is totally uncouth; just imagine us in Chinawhites shaking a leg in our Daisy Dukes.
Don’t smother/mother him
He KNOWS you only do it because you care, but could you picture him sitting at a chill out doing lines with his mum? No, of course not. But that’s what he feels like when you’re moaning that he’s on Grindr instead of giving you his undivided attention. Everyone needs an ego-boost, and hook-up apps give more validation than Instagram likes.
Similarly, gays need their space. Sure, he’s fun to be around now, but when he throws a massive diva-strop in the middle of Soho Square, it’s time to give that queen some air.
Don’t overshadow/upstage him
The gay man will always encourage you to look and feel your best, but not to the point where the muscle Mary he’s trying to drag into the same toilet cubicle is too busy listening to your one-woman show. He’s supposed to be mesmerised by how tight our new Zara V-neck is, not your sparkling wit. Although, do feel free to take the reins when word vomit kicks in and we start projectiling our relationship history all down his shirt.