Public Warning: Who Wants to be a Millennial Heir?

Take a long, hard look at yourself. If you fall between the ages of 18-35, you’re what the world considers a millennial and, although you may not know it, you are hated by 75% of the population.

According to a recent survey from the Liaison of Incredibly Esoteric Statistics (LIES), millennials are the biggest drain on our society, responsible for all current and historical fuck-ups. It’s believed they brought the plague to London in 1348 and have continued to spread poverty and discontent throughout the city ever since.

With their liberal attitude to life and work, the millennial poses a serious threat to the sovereignty of our nation. Some experts are even drawing similarities between these so called ‘snowflakes’ and the early activity of the IRA. After all, we’ve all experienced a winter in the capital and know well that while a solitary snowflake is unable to inflict critical damage, too many of them can bring a city to a standstill.

So what are our options? To address the issue, our government is proposing new legislation to deal with the increasing millennial population. Since snowflakes are expected to outnumber us 100 – 1 by the year 2025, these proposals will require swift implementation. In short, we must act now to end Millennialisation.

First, we must look to abolish casual unemployment. Ninety percent of millennials choose not to work, focusing instead on part-time dalliances in the arts. These freelancing freeloaders seem content to hang from the bottom rung of the corporate ladder, despite ample opportunities to work their way up through prostitution and sycophancy. Those who do work often call in sick and spend 10-12 hours building websites from home instead. The sooner we put an end to this culture of lethargy, the sooner we can deregulate the financial market and return to a golden age of housing bubbles.

We should also remain aware of the snowflake’s inherent frivolity. They like nothing more than to drop large sums of money on fancy university courses, turning their noses up at more meaningful pursuits such as chimney sweeping and coal mining. Instead, foreign language degrees remain in vogue, showing the snowflake’s complete lack of regard for our own cultural traditions. As we prepare to leave the European Union, this government has to question the need for foreign learning of any sort.

Of course, the snowflake’s disregard for finances also hinges on their reluctance to fly the nest. Millennial children stay connected to their mother’s umbilical cord for twenty years longer than the previous generation, leeching them of all their hard-earned fat. They appear apathetic to the problems their presence is causing, despite having more than enough savings to rent the windowsill of a Zone 6 crack den.

Unsurprisingly parents everywhere are in uproar, since, as we all know, children were only invented as a way to generate post-retirement income. But now, in an unappreciative turn of events, millennials are looking to reverse the score, bleeding us dry for the mess they caused before their birth.

Many blame the rise of the smart phone, citing its arrival into the mainstream market as the moment youngsters became too informed. Technology’s inconvenient revolution of our lives has enabled snowflakes to change the world from the palm of their hand, rendering them lazy and inert. As the number of remote business owners’ doubles, there’s barely anyone left to listen to our demoralising office rants.

It’s clear millennials are a permanent stain on the reputation of our country, smearing it with outpourings of compassion and acceptance. We are no longer the mighty nation we were during the war years, because our children haven’t grown up on bloodshed and austerity. If we don’t watch our backs, we could even end up like the Canadians – caught in a horrible tangle of socially progressive happiness.


  • Giz Colonna

    I just loved it, so ingeniously written that i feel shy to post a comment.

  • Charlotte

    Brilliant stuff. I think I know a solution to this millennial issue. Why don’t we just stop these fluffster snowflakes in their tracks by recycling their brains into hyper competent neural-networks for algorithmic AI feeds? That way we stop them being so awfully human and full of all that irritating ‘feeling and independent opinion’ claptrap and use their minds to make the world more functional and efficient. Problem sorted!

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