Public Warning: New Year, New Me-Tox

With Christmas over, we are beginning to see the resurgence of a disturbing public trend. Spurred on by the annual decimation of the turkey carcass, citizens are now intent on doing the same to their own bodies. Although spring is still a month and a half away, we are already being pressed into shedding our winter coats and plucking ourselves raw, all in the name of a fresh start. For flaunters of the dad bod, these are sure to be testing times, as the world around them grows flatter and the tins of Quality Street in the cupboard are swiftly replaced by those containing locally regurgitated llama feed. In light of this ominous transformation, the government has put aside its climate change plans, in order to focus all its efforts on the threat at hand.

During previous outbreaks, affected citizens have been prescribed a course of long hard looks in the mirror, but, unfortunately, this may actually be accelerating the current crisis. Up and down the country, otherwise healthy people are convincing themselves that they’ve somehow become irreversibly misshapen in the week between Christmas and New Year, leading to a widespread cry for invasive action. Whilst this may simply be an epidemic of the mind, it is no less real for those struggling to come to terms with their new looks. In a blind panic, ill-fitting festive jumpers are being fed to the juicer and turned into low calorie shakes, consumers quick to point out their high-fibre content.

Celebrities have also been getting in on the act, with many TV personalities reaching deep into their own pockets to supply the nation with the latest sweatshop smoothie supplements. Even members of the Geordie Shore have weighed in, dishing out the secrets to a holistic Tyneside diet and it seems that no matter where you turn, everyone is up to their eyeballs in kale and wellbeing.

However, perhaps the greatest threat to our country’s resolve is the promise of a fat-burning cuppa. As a nation built upon the idea that a good brew cures everything, it’s little wonder we are now pinning all our hopes to mugs of boiled celery. Citizens everywhere are popping on the kettle, filling their cups with the soggy remains of their vegetable drawers and chugging back the mixture, as devoutly as if it were the blood of Christ himself. According to Himalayan Sherpas, the idea is to shit yourself skinny, since the contents of the tea is essentially a colonoscopy in a cup. In fact, many citizens who have combined their teatox with New Year exercise regimes, have found themselves caught short, struggling to hold themselves in, as their underdeveloped muscles lockup in the squat position. Some sources are now reporting that these weren’t the kind of runs people had originally envisaged.

Fortunately, there does seem to be a glimmer of hope on the horizon. People are no longer scouring pet stores for tapeworms or coughing up cotton balls during important board meetings. And, whilst coconut water is still outselling common sense, it won’t be long until we see a revival in our nation’s dietary fetishes. Current forecasts suggest the purge could be over as early as two weeks from now, with February set to become the fattest month on record. Although our diets may have renewed sympathy for Paula Radcliffe, they will no doubt be forgotten during the proceeding year, as the leftover fennel continues to slowly wilt in our larders. But, whilst the detox might not be set to leave a lasting mark on our lives, it will certainly prove a stubborn stain to get out in the wash.


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