Public Warning: Million Dollar Maybe

A recent study by The Board of Imaginary Findings has revealed an ominous spike in the mishandling of business jargon. Across London, terms such as ‘market liquidity’ and ‘corporate values’ are fast becoming acceptable small talk, bandied about by the nation’s newest breed of chancer; The Entrepreneur.

If you’re an ordinary, 9-to-5 worker, with a neighbour who never lets up about the knitted hats he designs for his prized Bonsai tree or an auntie who tweets regular updates about her decorative bead business, then it’s likely you have already met the culprits.

Unfortunately, for many Londoners, these ‘monsterpreneurs’ are becoming increasingly commonplace. In today’s society, every Tom and Jane is susceptible to rising one morning and proclaiming they are the next Steve Jobs, sidestepping the fact that their phone’s wake up alarm is set to PM. Innovation has even been relegated to the late night epiphanies of the kebab shop’s most loyal customers. Whilst Big Trev’s hands-free hip flask may well be the answer to driving drunk, it won’t necessarily be the hallmark of humanity in years to come. As one half of the world remains hell-bent on exponentially filling our existence with useless crap, the other half waits impatiently for that crap to be couriered to their home.

It has therefore become imperative that drastic measures are undertaken. In order to buck this rising trend, the public needs to be aware of the difference between true ingenuity and the self-styled Wolves of Wall Street. We’ve all toyed with the idea of starting our own company, but most of us have never turned the ‘butter stick’ into our all consuming passion. Even if it does make buttering your toast easier, telling people you have trouble working a knife really isn’t worth the hassle. Yet these bargain bin creations are still receiving credence. Suddenly, the whole nation is convinced they have the solution to the UK’s stamp-licking crisis or the makeshift answer to our toe-stubbing epidemic. If this continues, it’s only a matter of time before we attempt to bridge the poverty gap by supplying ladders to the less fortunate.

The delusion has now spread into other areas of domestic life; the internet primed as a major weapon. Citizens are urged to stay clear of its shadier corners, where a new wave of porn has started to rear its ugly head: Product Porn. Hot, filthy consumerism with all the right junk in all the right places. Ecommerce sites have infiltrated everyone’s newsfeed, with each item as suggestive as the next; buy one and you’ll have five more queuing up, begging for your click. But is it really a route you want to go down? Product Porn Addiction affects 11 out of 10 people and 200% of those affected will fall victim to mathematically impossible adverts at some point during their obsession. If you think you may be suffering from PPA, then find a dark, Wi-Fi-less room immediately and lie there until the urge subsides.

As for the proprietors of this material masochism, the time is right to close the valve on your pipedream. Most experts recommend an age old technique called ‘The Reality Check’. Instead of rushing ahead with your brainwave, first think quietly to yourself: “does anyone else really need gluten-free mouthwash?” If the answer is yes, then you have clearly lost your mind and should head straight to your laptop to order a new one. Some patents were made simply to pend.

Representatives from both Here and There are quick to assure us that creativity is welcome; they just don’t wish to see it attached to the smartphones of each and every tourist, as they turn their backs on the landmarks they travelled 2000 miles to visit. Not all innovation is progressive and, if you’re left in any doubt, you should always stick to what you know. Take London lifestyle magazines for example. Surely that’s the niche that keeps on giving?

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