Public Warning: Hack of All Trades

London has always been a hotbed for the multi-talented and the multi-cultural. But in recent years, even our great city’s proclivity for diversity has been stretched to its very limits. The capital is now overflowing with those who believe they are divinely blessed, imbued with the capacity to dominate every field. Whilst this attitude may not initially appear hostile, the arrogance of the few is ruining the world for the many. Slowly but surely, the philosophy of the ‘triple threat’ is working its way into our culture and turning regular, hardworking citizens into reckless wannabes.

The ‘triple threat’ is more than living up to its name. Across the villages, people’s lives are being uprooted by the invasive idea that they’re not doing enough with them. False prophets have arrived from across the sea, denouncing their dedication to a singular passion and encouraging London’s denizens to do the same. Spurred on by the actions of icons such as Bruce Jenner – athlete, businessman, businesswoman – the ‘triple threatening’ preach the need to conquer every discipline under the sun. Children are no longer being inspired to simply become a butcher, a baker or a candlestick maker, but to take on all three roles at once. From day one, our kids are told they must strive to master the entire universe, long before they have begun learning how to master their own bladder.

The problem is most evident in Shoreditch, where hipster legislation dictates that all traders must be versed in at least two professions, related or otherwise. Opening a coffee shop based solely on your ability to make great coffee is no longer deemed respectable. Instead, proprietors are expected to offer another niche service alongside the one they trained for. In particular, cycling has been found to go hand in hand with hot beverages. Whilst you might brim with pride at the thought of opening a quaint little café, the ‘triple threatening’ will point out the Handle Baristas across the road, whose multiple personalities are enabling cyclists to drink steaming cups of mochaccino during precarious rush hour traffic.

Alone, a member of the ‘triple threatening’ is fairly innocuous, though they will insist on demonstrating their varied skillset at any given opportunity. It’s best to be on guard every day, as the ‘triple threatening’ could be working inconspicuously in almost any industry. However, once you engage with one, you will be made instantly aware of their voracious appetite for half-baked success.

Your local hairdresser may be a sex-trafficking vegan pacifist in their spare time or perhaps even a small time talk-show host on Lebanese radio. In some cases, the ‘triple threatening’ may try and convince you they never sleep at all, boasting a wide range of nocturnal activities such as rehousing alcoholic ducks or feeding the poor bread from their kitchen window. Whilst these people may appear as Instagram heroes, it’s hard to say whether there is anything actually going on behind their Gingham tinted show-lives.

Others hide in much plainer sight, sometimes in the very centre of the public eye. Recently, renowned pigeon racer, Mike Tyson, has shocked the world by announcing that he is also a particularly handy boxer. More alarmingly still, is the news that celebrated children’s writer and poet laureate candidate, Katie Price, may be looking to relaunch her career as a page three glamour model. With so many celebrities revealing two or even three hidden talents, it’s becoming harder and harder for the average citizen to get by on one measly scrap of creativity. The next generation is set to evolve into an even more prolific race of multi-taskers, meaning the world could soon face an unprecedented quadruple threat.

Understandably, many Londoners are in uproar, claiming a bird-racing sports star is one thing, but a Muslim mayor may just be one step too far.

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