Public Warning: From Fat to Fad

The country is stretched to breaking point.

Current estimates place our combined BMI at over six million metric tonnes, with neighbouring constituencies beginning to feel the effects of communal chub rub. Croydon North is already indistinguishable from the midriff of Croydon Central, with many residents claiming they haven’t seen Croydon South in years. As national inflation continues, we could soon see river-bordering communities spilling over into the Thames, as London’s expanding waistline finally becomes untenable.

Fortunately, while the struggle to find our feet continues, a quick fix is in much plainer sight. Exercise scientists have been developing new and improved ways to depreciate the pounds (a tactic borrowed from Westminster elites). Their experimental work is bringing us closer to a smarter, more efficient method of fat-busting, with fresh and exciting breakthroughs happening every day. Known as Fat Abolishment Drills (FADs), these exercises could soon be the answer to human longevity.

Believe it or not, FADs have been around since the early 1900s. Back then, they were mainly reserved for the aristocracy, who grew weary watching their servants run laps on their behalf. These fat cats needed a shortcut to healthy living; a way to counteract the onset of gout from the foot of their bed. Today, this philosophy prevails: good exercise should be brief, fun and, most importantly, effortless.

As obesity becomes a bigger and bigger issue, modern FADs are taking advantage of science-backed research. Citizens taking part in the following activities are proven to increase their chances of sweating, nausea and aching joints:

1. Weight loss sunglasses

A recent study found that the human eye is up to fifty per cent larger than the stomach. Londoners can reduce the chances of visual eating by ensuring their food appears far less appetising. Weight loss sunglasses filter out the residual colours from your favourite meals, turning them blue in the process (the shade found to be the least appealing).

So far, these eyepieces have only been tested on blueberries and certain types of M&M, but the results have been positive. Scientists say the next step is to remove all light absorption, preventing users from finding their plate.

2. Beer yoga

Everyone knows alcohol increases the awareness and stability of the consumer. Combining its sobering influence with the ancient power of yoga has been found to further improve this heightened state. Those practicing the discipline on a daily basis consider it a form of resistance training, with the sixth bottle placed slightly beyond the reach of their inebriated grasp.

3. Backwards running

Running has always been a very athletic experience. But researchers now believe they have optimised the process for everyone. Jogging in reverse appears to turn back time, returning the runner to a point before their final fistful of raw cookie dough. In fact, the first man to run the London Marathon backwards this year claims to no longer finish anything he starts.

4. Stiletto fitness

Sometimes it helps to stand head and shoulders above the rest of the field. Working out in stilettos may sound dangerous, but it’s important to remember that pole dancers have been perfecting the art for years.

Experiments confirm that stilettos can heighten your performance, making them the ideal accompaniment to destabilising exercises. The Department of Health & Safety says the beauty of stiletto fitness is its accessibility. For example, office workers factoring it into their lunch breaks can strut and squat, with the chance of maximising their work out by a walk to HR, where they’ll face a dressing down on sexual harassment allegations.

In modern society, our sedentary lifestyle is forcing experts to rethink the way we exercise, finding ways to ensure our comfort even as we lose the ability to lift our fingers. The hope is that a decade from now, FADs will enable us to sit back, relax and watch our bodies take themselves for a walk around the block.