Public Warning: Around The World in Eighty Planes

Following its split from the EU, controversial new research suggests that Britain may never have been the true centre of universe. Current models place London at the heart of the cosmos, a capital-centric diagram that has stood uncontested since the fresh, carefree days of the industrial revolution. But, the latest studies appear to conclude that we are no longer the Babylon of western civilisation. While this news may be distressing to some, it does not appear to have deterred one particular group of optimists – the jet set.

Jet-setting is nothing new; it was introduced in the time of Sir Francis Drake, when sailors would leave our cosy little nest to base jump off the flat, infinite edge of the Earth. Thankfully, since that initial brush with adventure, we have perfected the art of flight, allowing us to reach our destination far less terminally. For those with return tickets, this has proven to be a Godsend and for the plucky jetsetter it has become the gateway to a life above ground. No longer are we confined to our tiny island, where responsibility beckons at every turn. Now, the elite are free to dump their frivolous values on someone else’s doorstep. Whether it’s Paris, New York, LA or the largely empty Swahili savanna, the jet setter always finds a reason to make the trip.

In these times of political uncertainty, it was expected that the jet would be set aside indefinitely, grounded by faltering international relations. However, as one former member of the mile high club pointed out, the gap between us and Europe looks much smaller from 30,000 feet in the air. With this in mind, some experts indicate that we may all be better off taking our mid-week G&T at the Renato Bridge in Venice. Why send an Italian representative to conduct business on your behalf, when flights to Marco Polo start at only one inheritance per person? Clients want to meet face to face, understanding that a booze-addled sales pitch can make all the difference to a company’s first impressions. As the pound drops, the only way is up – to a cruising altitude above and beyond the current rate of inflation.

But how exactly can we emulate the success of the jet setter on a city wide scale? How can we ensure that no one must suffer the solitude of this pokey, little dynasty ever again? Our right to frivolity must be upheld, our private jets and monogrammed passport covers kept well stocked. If we can’t preserve these ideals, then, sooner rather than later, our relevance to the connected world will severely diminish. We will no longer be the world’s leading contributor of manicured take-off selfies or transatlantic glass clinks, left instead to the complete indignity of economy class obscurity.

Whatever the future holds, we’d like to ensure our citizens that every precaution will be taken to keep the jet set flying. We are great believers in the benefits of a working holiday, especially one that never ends, realising that a round of golf or an exotic spa treatment can’t always be completed in one short trip. For those with imminent wishes to take their business abroad, government schemes will be implemented with immediate effect. More pioneers are needed to get this country back on its feet and, if this means introducing annual leave all year round, then we are ready to make that leap. Britain was built on the bold principles of people like Drake (a man whose descendants continue to trot the globe today, bringing important, lukewarm rap to the masses) and, if we are to prosper during this time of economic upheaval, we must be willing to stake our country on their extraordinary vision and commitment.

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