Public Warning: Apocalypse Trending Now

For many years now, the human race has strongly predicted its final reckoning. Commonly referred to as Judgement Day, experts have long feared a mechanical revolution, where artificial intelligence rises up against us in a devastating, apocalyptic event. With London more connected to the internet than ever before, the ominous precursors to this uprising have already taken place. In nearly every living room, student hangout and high school across the city, the machines have begun to extend their sphere of influence. The weakest minds amongst us are already falling victim to their accelerating sentience, causing our species to slowly lose its foothold at the top of the natural order. Whilst this government doesn’t wish to appear alarmist, the signs are clear – humanity no longer holds a monopoly. Our planet is spiralling out of our control and it’s all happening one social media trend at a time.

The first wave hit back in 2014, when technology took advantage of humanity’s greatest vice: beer pressure. Dubbed ‘neknominating’, this phenomenon sadly claimed many young lives. It was the first indication that the machines had identified our flawed existence and were eagerly devising ways to use it against us. With immediate access to over 300 million Facebook profiles, they moved quickly, realising that the younger generation could be all but obliterated by a single call to party.

Hatching a plan as dirty as the pints that followed, our technological adversaries proceeded to execute it across the whole of social media. After just one week, thousands of millennials found themselves bent double over their kitchen sink, mixing the remnants of a Cointreau bottle with half a pint of tequila and a splash of Cillit Bang’s finest limescale remover. The graphic results were plastered all over our newsfeeds, spreading at an exponential rate, as friend began to turn on friend.

When 2015 finally rolled in, a fresh wave of rebellion rolled in with it. The machines upped the ante, unleashing blow after devastating blow, each of them trendier than the last. The first put us in a stranglehold, as brainwashed teens began choking their workmates for the short-lived high of a notification ding. Naturally, the casualties piled up, but it was already too late to retaliate. Our smartphones had succeeded in becoming a global parasite.

Growing with confidence, they started targeting other areas of our bodies, causing our lips to swell and our backs to burn. Still we remained oblivious, blinded by our 15 seconds in the limelight, excited to become Kylie Jenner caricatures, with penises and flower patterns blistering on our sun-scorched skin. Our flesh already tortured, the machines even convinced us to set fire to our ailing bodies. Whilst the likes came thick and fast, so did the consequences, the war reaching crisis point earlier this year in a climatic event christened ‘The Condom Challenge’.

With hundreds of future minds still encased in inflated latex, the government is determined to put an end to this madness once and for all. We urge you not to stand back and watch your loved ones become slaves to social trends. The machines won’t rest until they have total compliance, but we cannot allow such widespread submission to occur. We must band together and raise awareness of these barbaric rituals. Not only are human lives at stake, but our freedom too.

Although you may feel there is very little you can do to help, all success starts at home. Even if you only get through to two or three friends, the cumulative effort may be enough to take back our city. Do everything you can to win them over. Pour buckets of ice over their heads, publicly shame them if you have to; just make sure your efforts are seen and shared by as many people as possible.

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