How To Emerge Victorious from the January Honey Trap
Now, I know it’s been a while since we waded through the fiery pits of bargain hell to find that sweater vest that will be way too small but the changing room queues are way too long and who cares, it’s only £5.99. Two years have passed since the last January sales so you may have forgotten how it works. But alas, don’t fret, here is our useful guide to shopping etiquette.
Do dress up warm, elbow and knee pads encouraged; the former for barging old ladies out the way as they totter around half blind, smelling like Wotsits. The latter is for when those old ladies are actually pretty feisty and you have to drop to your knees, flutter your eyelids and beg for those half-price knitting needles back (as you are a multi-hyphenate millennial with a #smallbusiness, these needles are a matter of life or death).
Do not succumb to the holy power of marketing and buy that Dyson Cordless Ninja Turtle Vacuum. Even as your hand turns into a magnet, electrical signals passing between you and the hoover, the jingle from the advert screeching in your head, DON’T GIVE IN. You know that, as you have been hypnotised by the seductive demons inside the television, and you will now see that Dyson everywhere you go, tormenting you until you buy. Stay strong. Don’t give in.
Do remember that child from the John Lewis advert, who, through the careful recipe of meaningful storytelling, mixed with a song by an old popstar making a comeback, has won you over. Remember that little boy. Then imagine him squashed. By a ton of bricks. Step back outside of John Lewis (after getting a free spritz of Yves Saint Laurent) and run.
Do not be fooled by the internet jester Skyscanner: master of the illusion of scarcity. Ignore his skilful attempts to trick you: ‘Hurry- there’s only one seat left at this price!’ I can assure you, this is a lie. Take your time. Deliberate. Drink some wine. Drink too much wine and buy all the seats that you are told to buy by the airline tricksters. Feel ashamed and drink more wine to forget the whole torrid affair.
Do refrain from drinking the Kool Aid of instant gratification. Whilst it’s easy to be brainwashed by the satanic overlord Bezos and his lightning-fast delivery, you must stay vigilant to save local businesses from collapsing off the cliffside. If not for them, then for yourself; to avoid becoming just another capitalist gorgon. Feel morally superior as your coins fly past Bezos in the digisphere into the pocket of a #sustainable #ecofriendly business. Tell your friends at every given opportunity that your silk covid mask is in fact from A Local Company That You SerendipitouslyDiscovered. Smile smugly as you look down your nose at their Generic Bag That Was Made In China And Breaks The Second Time They Use It.
Do not go jeans shopping. If you do, you will inevitably put on some Mom jeans that make your shapely bum look like a baked potato. You will then proceed to cry like a toddler having a tantrum, as you attempt to leave the shop. Blundering into the street, unable to see due to the torrent of salty water pouring your face and a cauldron of snot bubbling in your nostrils, you hail a taxi and jump in, still wearing the potato jeans. As you drive home, you wind down the windows and pop your head out to dry your tears in the bitter January air. You are calm now. Until you hear the police sirens.
So to conclude, shopping is a serious business. In fact, 8-16% of people in the UK suffer greatly from a compulsive buying disorder. Research by Northwestern University suggests that many people shop in anticipation of upcoming stressful situations before they’ve actually even happened. And whilst retail therapy can temporarily resolve your existential misery, it’s worth being mindful of your spending habits to avoid being arrested in ugly jeans while ugly crying while drunk from shame-wine thanks to Skyscanner scamming. Shop safe, kids!