How to be a MEGA STAR!

How to be a MEGA STAR!

You have done IT! You are now a MEGA STAR. For one thing or another, whether it’s your bestseller on bookshelves, your appointment as Big Name Curator at the V&A, your ravishing hands finally receiving the modelling merit they deserve (debuting in a Cartier watch ad) or your title as Head Groomer of the Royal Ostrich Flock, you have GOT THERE.

Even if you haven’t quite got THERE, maybe you’ve still gotten SOMEWHERE. Reach for the stars they say, land on a cloud. Clouds are still pretty high. So maybe you’re not Polo Playing with Prince Harry, but maybe you are a VERY IMPORTANT extra, who walks across a road in a small indie film. Maybe you have an e-commerce site selling Mexican supplements that improve the pancreatic function and you’ve just made your first sale. Maybe you’ve wanted to be a writer all your life and now that you are 45, you have finally penned a poem.

What I am saying is; you’ve had a success. A major one, a minor one… A success nonetheless!

Now as a highly experienced woman of many years, with decades worth of inside knowledge not only on profitably selling pornographic films on the black market in Albania in the 70s, but also in the breeding and flogging of tomcats, I feel I’m in a marvellous position to give you a bit of life advice. I’m that kind of gal. I like to help people.

So. Success. Here’s the thing about it. You think people are going to be kind. You think they’ll send you flowers. You expect that men in top hats will shake your hand and that all your friends will jubilate with you, pat your back, send you a ‘Congratulations, babes!’ text and possibly even go out a buy you a nice hamper of cheeses.

As you will soon see, none of this will happen. When you are a MEGA STAR or even when you are just doing SOMETHING, people will not be happy for you at all. They will either begin to suck up to you so they can ultimately offer you some crack, get you hooked and usurp your spot in MEGA STARDOM (because no one can be a MEGA STAR when they’re a crack addict) or they will just plain out hate you.

They will all be looking you up and down, even though you’re as ugly as you ever were, wondering what you did that was so special. How come it happened to you? What’s the secret to success? How can they tear you down because they wish they were in your position?

Here, my dear ones, you must learn to tread carefully. You must never ever ever say to someone “I am a MEGA STAR and I did SOMETHING because I am TALENTED and HARD-WORKING!”

You are not allowed to be talented. You are not allowed to be hard-working. That would make you better than other people, and that is AGAINST THE RULES. We are all equals and you must be oh so very vigilant.

When people say, “How did you become a judge on a trivial television show?”

Or they say, “What inspired your blockbuster film about curtain rails?”

Or, “How did you manage to secure a guest speaker from planet Jupiter at your party?”

You must shuffle, humbly look down and say, “It was pure luck!” Another equally effective response is, “I think I have good karma from a past life!”

Of course after a while, when you’ve been a MEGA STAR for some time, people are going to start getting suspicious. “Awful lot of luck you got there, son.” They’ll say, “Why don’t you hand me over some of that luck there so we can both be rich and famous?”

Here you are once again in trouble and must act fast. Nobody must know that you are simply gifted, charming and plain out BETTER THAN THE REST.

My advice would be to immediately do something to detract attention from your BIG SUCCESS. Getting fat is a proven and pleasant method. In the piling on of pounds, people will say, “Of course she has a flourishing fashion business, but at least I’m not fat like she is.” They will begin to forgive you and forget that you are more TALENTED then they could ever be.

There are other methods. Loosing all your money is a wonderful way to stop people being jealous. Burning down your house with a spouse inside is good too.

If possible, develop a slight stress-related deformity, something that will make people think, “It’s not worth being a MEGA STAR if I end up with ringworm.”

You must remember to do this all the time and never let anyone know you are happy and successful. Stay on your toes. You don’t want to loose what you know you have built, what you have worked hard for, what you deserve.

So every time your cousin who binge-eats wotsits and works somewhere she hates says, “Oh my god I can’t believe you’ve actually been published in a fishing magazine and get to go on an all expenses paid trip to the Lake District, I wish I was you,”

You must reply at once, “I feel so blessed right now. But just so you know, I have a really bad haemorrhoid problem that is making my life very unenjoyable.”

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