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doors of london

The ennui of lockdown was personified in walking,

We circled round our houses, thinking but not talking,

We trampled over pavements, we tripped up cobble stones,

We craved communication beyond our mobile phones.

Trudging through the city, no person, dog or ghost,

Yet inside the walls are bodies, warm and eating toast.

Staring at the doors of London on our daily wander,

We couldn’t help but think about who possibly lives yonder…

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1. The Full English
Intimidating… or suspiciously compensating for something? 
Guaranteed to have at least three Union Jack items of decor  – bought from vintage markets of course – and when you visit you’ll spend the evening doing Very Cool British Activities like smoking inside, listening to The Clash on vinyl and leaving spoons in the sink.
 
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2. The Shoreditch Shaman

Pharaoh (of East London). Healer (of vibrational & generational trauma). All-Seeing Eye (when they’re not high). 

You can smell the incense permeating the air from at least ten doors down. Your host tonight will be wearing creased linen trousers with an open shirt where a clutch of crystals can be seen nestling in the chest hair like the eggs of a mythical bird. Both furniture and meat-centric cuisine will be noticeably absent tonight… but angel cards will be passed round until you get a migraine at 3.00am.  

 

3. Creative with Cabin Fever
A heavily self-aware writer resides and ponders their next novel in their ‘home office’. The exterior of their abode exudes a tranquility their mind aspires too. A V60 coffee contraption sparingly drips their third cup this morning, as aesthetic as the stationary collection carefully posed next to it. They are likely to go on a walk for inspiration and regret it.
 
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4. Very Proper People

In order to have a Very Classic Front Door, they must have Very Classic Hobbies. These may consist of learning a fourth language, perfecting piano duets or opening bottles of claret to let them breathe.

Baths are rare in London, but these gentlepeople have one in every suite and they are referred to as ‘the little boys room’ and ‘the little girls room’ to be ironic. Each ‘little’ room is the size of a student flat and fitted with Italian marble… the same country their most recent au pair was imported from, but since she has been doing so much yoga in lockdown, she might be getting a little too fit to keep. 

 

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5. The Kewl Kids

The sound of an acoustic guitar is the only sound to be heard from the upstairs flat, which is as outrageously priced as Urban Outfitters. And just like Urban Outfitters these apartments trade on their trendiness but will literally fall apart after one rowdy party. 

No one really ‘cooks’, yet all claim to be foodies based on a collective enjoyment of ramen. Here for the experience, the stories and the Yucca plants.

 

6. Animal People
Without the Quentin Blake-style drawing, you’d be forgiven for assuming very unfriendly people live behind the severe facade. However, such care and consideration has been taken by these unfamiliar fingers that instead we are unaccountably touched.
No doubt these goodly neighbours always keep the kettle on and when they’re not here, they’re sitting a rabbit in Zone 9.
 
7. Paradise Manor city edition
Here lives a botanist who tried to grow an avocado tree over lock-down, a purveyor of pleasure with a front door better suited to a tropical hacienda than the polluted capital of the UK. These frilly floral confections hint there’s an even prettier garden out back. The dining room table is a replica of the front door on legs, with a centrepiece of organic limes.
 
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8. Espressive Extroverts
‘The world is a canvas and we are all artists’ is the motto here. After all, who knows what we’ll find when we step out of our front doors? ‘Why, a world full of beauty and artistry and majesty!’ these inhabitants cry (they also use painting for therapy). And let’s be real, why knock on doors and wait for them to open when you can exhibit your talents directly on them?
 
 
9. Clean Freaks & Night Freaks

Expect this colour scheme to be a running theme throughout the house, which is stocked with the entire catalogue of The White Company.  Clean Cotton, Warm Blanket, Baby Powder (but no baby), A Calm and Quiet Place: all names of scented candles to be found perched formally atop fireplaces. Yet lace curtains on the ground floor reveal a possible saucy side.

 

10. Top of the Food Chain
Do you want your front door to shout regal and professional, just like these fine folk? Then why not power dress it to look like an old-fashioned bank.
Add a few felines to indicate your hierarchy on both the property and dating markets and you’re away. Almost forgot, position the letter box at shin height for the peasants.

 

Words by Kiera Chapman

Photography by Rachel Doughty for Londnr

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